This is a letter to Jacinda with the hopes that one day she shall read this. Why did I put this on the internet you ask? The reason is because back in the early 1990's there were people in both Jacinda's life and mine that chose to tell 'untruths'. Because of these people that were jealous of the relationship that Jacinda and I had we eventually broke up as 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. First of all an apology...

I am sorry Jacinda for anything I had done or said when I was a teenager of the age of 15 years old. Now that I am 34 (at the time of writing this) I have been through many things in my life. You will not talk to me and further more from what I heard from some of our mutual friends still to this day, you want nothing to do with me. Although I have always prayed that I could have but an hour of your time to explain my immature ways back then; I fear that the reality is that you would never grant me that occasion. 

Growing up for me was a very trying experience. I grew up in a broken home when my parents divorced when I was 5. At that time I made the choice to live with my father which I soon discovered was a playboy, drunk and also never home. Since there was no parental influence or needed attention/direction at home, my only outlet was school. Sure I was a trouble maker and always seeking attention. Also, I had to still dress and become the image of what my father wanted. My social life was non-existent and also I was constantly picked on/bullied after school. This made growing up a very difficult thing. I had no room for expression and individual identity. It was a harsh reality but one that I learned to deal with. The first time I had ever kissed a girl was the summer before you and I met for the first time to give you an example of how bad it was.

So begins high school. I had recently decided after quite the battle with my father to move in with my mother. I needed a new atmosphere and a new area to start over in. My mother encouraged me to be my own person and express myself. This took some time to get use to and I think it was until I saw you for the first time that I still hung onto the mold my father had put me in to. The first day of HS was chaos. I knew nobody and had no friends in the school on in the area. I had been sheltered for most of my life and the extreme of going from a jock/prep area of town to a head-banger/punk side of town was like day and night. I remember my first days at school I was dressing like a prep and was shocked that I didn't get my ass kicked. The first day of school became a day that would change my life when I first entered geography class.

There I was in geography class and trying to focus on what the teacher was saying. At the corner of my eye I saw Jacinda (you) sitting in the back row of the first row when you walk into the classroom. "WOW!" I said to myself. Talk about 'one of a kind'. Never have I seen someone express themselves so well and further more a very beautiful young lady. Pierced ears of in excess of 7 holes (easily) in both ears. The converse and the jeans with the surfer type tee-shirt. The detail of the 'union-jack' and all the other pen work. The spiked hair on one side that was brushed over to the other. How your hair fell down to caress your face and outline your beauty. Your smile as well...it was breath taking. All amazing and you captivated me from that moment on. It seemed my mission was to try and get to know more about you. Needless to say, you inspired me - also I know even to this day there has never been another that has made me fall so hard with just a look. (for the record - I am not a stalker and never have been - lol).

It took a lot of work and time to get to know you more from that point on. Up to that point I had never had a girlfriend and for that matter I had no idea what women were all about. Everything that I thought would make you like me as I did you I did. I spiked my hair, got my ears pierced, started dressing like a punk/banger etc.. Even started listening to the same music as you. Anything and everything I could to be your boyfriend. Never up to that point had I put that much energy and time into. School came second. Did you know by the way that I even fought several fights that you might not have known about for your honor? One was Derek B. when he kept harassing  you sexually and making uncalled for comments. You must have known about that one since half the school was there. There have been many things that I have done for you to win your favor that I am not sure you are aware of even to this day.

Finally after all this and about 8-9 months later you agreed to go out with me. We became boyfriend/girlfriend and it was like a dream come true. So much I did not know that I learned from you. More then you know. I discovered new feelings and new experiences. New things that I was never aware of but with that I owe all to you. It was also amazing what changes I discovered in myself and the people around me. Although the dream came true...the nightmare was about to begin.

The second year of high school started and we had spent a nice summer together (including summer school). School was starting up and I had my new look and a new bounce in my step. Confidence was there like you would not believe. In this year as it began sure we had our ups and downs. No longer were we the 'minor-niners' and I think it made us feel a little more grown up. But this year as well there was a lot of tests put before our relationship that made thing hard. Because of the 'new' me I had made new friends and new admirers. For once in my life I was sought after and desired by multiple young women and it was something I was not use to. At the point in my life it was 'YOU' that mattered and only you. On the flip side there were guys that were checking you out as well (some that I once called friend). We will skip the details and I will just go with point form to speed this up:

- you and I broke up several times during the year
- I dated other women to see what it was all about
- I was confused for the longest time cause I always thought of you even when we broke up
- you came to me at one point when we were sitting outside your parents place and you were in tears because you wanted to be considered more feminine
- I started and helped you to become more 'feminine' although I loved your rebel side I knew that you wanted to changed and I supported you (that was ME not Anne that helped make that change in you as you wished)
- we were very close you and I but never had we made love
- sometime in the course of the year (I believe it might have been the summer school the following year) you met Anne Bally
- we broke up for the final time in the summer or just before

Ok, lets stop here and explain a few things that maybe you did not know about your 'so-called' friend Anne Bally.

Anne Bally - a known person and trouble maker in several circles. I had crossed paths with her on many occasions as well she had dated several of my friends. Also a little known fact that you might not have known Jacinda is that Anne had an interest in me on several occasions having met me the year before. Another thing is that I had turned her down many times with which made her very bitter towards me. Rumor has it that she was looking for an opportunity to get back at me because she was hurt that I would not go out with her. Even during the time that she was dating a buddy of mine - Dave Roy. Anne I thought was a friend of the acquaintance kind that would never be an issue in my life. I guess I was wrong. If you think I was manipulative...well after talking to several of my buddies who went out with her over the years...you would never have seen her coming. She could get into peoples heads and many times did it going in their pants. If Anne was your role model or guide through the years to follow after we broke up...it is not wondered you think you feel the way you do towards me. You had me and she wanted me...she couldn't have me so why not destroy my happiness that you brought me? This starting to make sense now?

What followed in the time after that was a very very hard and difficult path. I discovered that Anne had filled your head with a lot of stuff that made me into the devil. Attempted rape? What the hell is that BS? If I recall the day at hand...we were fooling around one day and as always when things got really worked up I asked you 'are you ready for this or is it too soon?' with on that day I received no reply but a deep kiss. So tell me...I ran up 2 flights of stairs to get a condom cause I had none in my room cause I never had a reason too before and then I came back down to my room which was in the basement at that time. Upon my return I was accepted with open arms and a still naked Jacinda in my bed. We never did up making love cause we were both inexperienced and decided to not after poking around for a bit. But tell me...how the f*&k do you have the nerve to say I attempted to rape you? That was Anne putting lies and shit in your head. That shit went around the school really quick so you know and on the same note...that hurt really bad when such a meaningful moment was tarnished and cheapen by one person vengeful ways.

Oh the time that came after/during this era was like walking around in a mine field. You were crediting Anne with all the good I did to help you become the women you said you wanted to be. This time you started to become a feminine CLONE of every other women in school. People that I called friends stabbed me in the back at this time. Namely Kurt H., Greg K., and Jason H., of which I could show you many pictures of the group of us that hung out prior to their involvement with you. Gee, where were they when you were being YOU and yourself and not some clone? All of which it turns out were interested in your when you and I were going out. They were envious back then and waited for their turn. Sick I tell you...but I blame Anne. Hell why not...I was dating other women so what better way for you to get back at me then to date my friends (I heard Anne was a specialist at dirty shit like that).

So anyways, I was fortunate in the years to come to speak to you one last time. After all the stuff that went on as listed in the lines above I left school. Why did I leave school you ask? I left because I had realized too late what a wonderful and beautiful relationship I had with you before all the shit that happened. I could not face my so-called ex-friends that were going out with you. I could not bare to see you with someone else especially someone who I called friend (or anyone else for that matter). I mean I deserved it after us breaking up for me to date others but it still hurt. I left school because seeing you was a painful reminder of my own screw ups. It hurt then and even now the memory of you is like pleasure and pain in one.

Am I blaming Anne for my mess ups? No, but she whispered untruths in your head and manipulated you worse then I ever did. I was not as bad as the monster I was made out to be. Now Anne has to answer to Karma and she will get her evil deeds back upon her trice as to what she did to us.

As for matter concerning you and I, Jacinda..I am sorry for all the foolish things I said and done to hurt you when we were young. It is my wish that some day and some how you can see it within yourself to forgive me in your heart. You still have a place in my heart and always will. You were my first love, my first girlfriend and also the first person to help me discover who I was when I grew out of my immaturity. Thank you for the time we had together and may life provide you with all the joys and prosperity that you deserve.

If we never talk within this lifetime then I hope we may in another.

Bless Be!

Michael M. E.

P.S. - If you ever wish to contact me then get in touch with Cory as him and I are still best friends to this day (20 years later).